Today wasn’t a great day. I hate coming back to my blog because I’m feeling sad, but I suppose I turn to writing when I’m feeling my lowest.
I want to believe that I am gifted. That I am special. I think deep down we all do.
I have been blessed with such amazing and talented friends, but sometimes it’s hard to see them succeed–not because I am not happy for them, but because I don’t believe enough in myself to think that I might achieve what they have. When I see my friends get exciting internships or write amazing screenplays or meet their amazing boyfriends, I am happy for them. But I also wonder what keeps me from doing the same.
There is a scene in Vicky Cristina Barcelona in which Cristina says:
“No, I just have to come face to face with the fact that I am not gifted, you know? I can appreciate art and I love music, but… it’s sad, really, because I feel like I have a lot to express and I am not gifted.”
I cried when I first saw this scene. Not because it’s sad–well, maybe it is. It’s sad because it articulated something that I have felt for so long but could never exactly place. Her words express the feeling of inadequacy that has plagued me for as long as I can remember. I hate that I feel this way. I have so much to express, so much to offer, but I worry that I am not talented enough to do so.
When I sit down and stare at my computer, a blank page in front of me, I feel so much. There are so many things I wish to say, so many feelings I wish to convey, but everything just ends up falling short. And of course, I then go on to read pieces written by others and think, why couldn’t I have done that?
I want to be the one that others look at and think, wow. She really accomplished something. But really, what have I done? I used to think that maybe my “big break” was coming. One day, someone would find me and realize that I just had it. I’d be whisked away to an amazing job and a life of adventure and fulfillment. But I just find myself constantly waiting. And waiting.
I called my mother tonight. I treated myself to an unhealthy dinner. I cried a little. I spoke with my best friend. I listened to old Disney soundtracks.
I feel better.
Maybe I’ll never be discovered and given my dream job. Maybe I’ll never express myself the way that I want. Maybe I’m not gifted.
And yes, that thought hurts. But I can’t let myself be weighed down by these feelings of inadequacy. Because you know what? I will never accomplish anything if I continue to feel this way.
Maybe I am not gifted in the way that I want. But it does not in any way make me less. It is so easy to look to our neighbor and covet their accomplishments and talents, but as I was once told, “we all have to run our own race.” We can’t all share the same talents or successes, and we can’t always compare ourselves to others because we will always find a way to fall short.
I don’t know if I’ll ever feel completely comfortable with who I am. It is my hope, however, that in recognizing my insecurities that I can better address them.